Day 1

without him. It was okay I guess. Did the kidscommons thing, had lunch with Seann at Subway, took Raph to his eye appointment and wasted 4 hours there ... lol. Dad and I went swimming again, which was really nice. I can't believe I haven't gone swimming in years in this lake. I am going to go every day from now until I leave, you can bet on it. Anyway it's great exercise and I am getting SO fat! I have gained like 7 pounds since soccer season ended! It sucks!

So today I am dealing okay. But right now is the time we normally talk. And we're not going to be. And so my heart will be aching a lot as I'm going to bed...

I'm going to go clean. I already wrote a letter to my friend and will mail it tomorrow...
Cleaning always helps me. And my room is a mess. I better start packing too.

title

Not creative enough to come up with a good title for this.
After tomorrow I'm going to be single and IT ABSOLUTELY SUCKS.
I hate society.
I hate that we would be miserable in a long-distance relationship.
I hate that we're not going to the same school.
I hate that so many other of our friends are staying together but we are not.
I hate that you are the one I want but I can't have you.
I hate that we are so right for each other, that we probably have the best relationship in the world, but we can't stay together.
I hate that I'm losing my boyfriend and my absolute best friend at the same time.
I hate how sick I feel just thinking about all this.

I'll try not to be jealous of the smart, pretty girls you'll meet at school.
I'll try to let you go.

I know we'll still be friends.
Unlike most people who say that ours will actually work.
But god it's not going to be the same.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back then you really know.
All I can do is pray you'll realize WE are supposed to be together - as in, you and me - and in a couple years (or sooner) we'll be back together. And then we'll finally be old enough to get married and live how we've dreamed for the past 3 years.

I love you so much. I don't want to let you go.

Webcomic

I made a webcomic. If anybody cares. I doubt it. The SqRt. It's basically just a way for me to get my funny stuff out there. Because I'm the only person in the world who will even find it funny.
I told you I was a geek.
It looks boring. I can tell he doesn't think it's the greatest thing ever. Which doesn't make me feel too great in return. Imagine that.
I know I can't draw. But I can do weird programming/math/science/history/tea/random. I can do random.
And I guess Miss Top 10 National Winner can't do HTML either.

Whatever. I'm so hungry and there's nothing in the house except yogurt. And I don't want yogurt.

Happy Birthday Harry Potter. I'll eat some Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans that I got a year ago at the 6th book release at Viewpoint in your honour. I might even do the real English spellings.

I wish he wanted to spend more time with me. I wish all my friends wanted to spend more time with me. Nobody asks me to go do stuff anymore even though I am not on a schedule whatsoever. I am the most free out of everybody. I wish I could've gone to Wisconsin with Ryan but I wish he hadn't done it this past weekend. Bad weekend. Maybe I'll still get to do something/go somewhere. I have one weekend left with my friends. God, that sucks.
I hate change.

Happy Anniversary to Us

Yesterday was Jacob and my 34 months' anniversary... 2 years and 10 months... wow. We must be doing something right, right? Oh yeah - we communicate. I've always loved that. We can talk about anything. If something's bugging us we'll talk. And then we'll fix it. We trust each other.
We went hiking around Tipton trails (some of them are crazy-overgrown). It was so much fun! I want to go hiking all the time... and camping... and canoeing... etc. I never got to do these things when I was younger so I've got to take advantage of them now. Then we ate a semi-picnic lunch (on his sunporch...). We went putt-putting and to Ritter's... then we played video games with Josh, Lauren, and Miranda... then we went to dinner at Bistro 310 (*very* yummy I might add). Then we came back and I officially stayed at his house the longest ever. Lol.
It was a very, very, very good day. <3

Today has been boring. I have felt like doing nothing and doing tons of things. I have wanted to sleep but I don't. I am sick of talking about college but apparently that's all my mom wants to talk about. I want to go shopping for college but I don't actually want to GO.
And I've decided I want to be an architect. So, I should have gone to Rose. Whatever... I don't want to be an art major though. I don't know WHAT I want to do. I want to do a create your own major thing.
I used to want to be an architect for the longest time. Then yesterday while we were walking around Jacob and I were talking about it... I was getting all excited telling him about the house I want to build &c and he's like, "Have you ever thought about being an architect?" I say, "Yes, for years I wanted to be, but then I discovered I can't draw and am not great at math" and he says, "Well, that doesn't matter anymore - you've got CADD programs now"
SO! I can be an architect now!
And I got a boost in my math confidence when the kidscommons people asked me to make those pyramids and I actually used my trig/geom knowledge to do it and I actually did it.
Just have to working on the drawing part now. Luckily I'm good with rulers and protractors.

Movie Night

Last night a bunch of people came over for a movie night... Jacob, Ryan, Emi, Matt, Rob, Peyton, Nick, and Pat, Raph and I watched Star Wars: Episode V The Empire Strikes Back. It was pretty fun but a little stressful. For one I apparently am a very bad party hoster because I waited too long to straighten up downstairs and get the ice cream, so my mom was not too happy. But in the end it all turned out all right. We had ice cream sundaes (well... ice cream, homemade chocolate sauce, and whipped cream) and popcorn. Thank goodness nothing spilled and none of our party glasses got broken (the plastic stems break really easily). We also played Trivial Pursuit (our favorite game).
Other than that yesterday I didn't do much. I thought about drawing but I didn't. I thought about playing some music, but I didn't... I thought about doing something - anything - productive, but I didn't. I guess my life is a little pathetic...
Oh wait. I did go shopping. I had to return a bunch of stuff to JC Penny's and Elder Beerman and I went grocery shopping. The workers at Marsh are getting so used to seeing me almost everyday... what will I do when I don't have a Marsh at DePauw? I am going to die. It's my most favorite grocery store ever... I hate Kroger! There is a Kroger up there. But Kroger is so incredibly impersonal.
And I stopped by PromptMed to let Dr T borrow this book - "Maria" by Eugenia Price - because she's also into the whole historical fiction thing. She's taking it on vacation so it's Dad's responsibility to get it back after I'm off to school. She's pretty cool. It's a small world... she and her husband are my precalc honors teacher's best friends. The Dr T's are little Gutjahr's godparents.
So... my brother is getting his wisdom teeth out today. I feel bad for him because it kind of sucks to not be able to eat, and then not be able to eat solid foods. At least I didn't have that bad of a time with it last month. But you always hear about the horror stories...
I think I'm going to go clean. And then make Jacob's anniversary present. Though I have this strange urge to put on a bathing suit and go lay out in the grass in the rain.

I've neglected you again

How dare I?
Yesterday (seeing as it's almost 1am...) was pretty good. I had kidscommons stuff where I officially did nothing (well, okay, I played with some paint, which I haven't done in ages... I should go get the watercolours out). Kind of sucks. It was fun though, more fun than doing stuff I don't want to.
I am making a new friend and it makes me happy.
Went to lunch with Seann and Betty (kind of spontaneous after kidscommons stuff). We went to Kramer's Kitchen. Honestly I didn't know what to expect. I was avoiding it because the owners put up such a fuss about the smoking ban issue. It really bothered me. Obviously they have not lost business over it (they were pretty full!) and the food was actually good. Prices are decent too. Nascar stuff is all over the walls but I guess that's okay. I'm not big into car racing (but Ryan is getting me more into it). The techie part of it is interesting though. Design, etc.
I had my second-to-last voice lesson with Mrs G today. It makes me kind of depressed. I have had voice lessons with her for almost 6 years straight. I know I'll still be able to take lessons in the summers but it won't be the same. She's been such a vital part in contributing to the singer I am today... she broke me out of stupid children's choir singing into soloist... and hopefully I'm going to get some wedding business through her. We're now singing "On My Own" from Les Miserables (one of my most favorite musical songs ever...) and "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" from Phantom of the Opera (another one of my faves).
Then I played soccer (well... played as best I could for not having touched a ball in 8 months and having just been cleared yesterday by the doc) with Jeffrey, Peyton, Heather... and Georgia and Nick showed up but they didn't play. It was pretty fun. We also stood around by the cars and chatted for a long time (around an hour). Got some good advice from Jeff.
I don't have physical therapy anymore. My range is basically all back. Very good, very happy. Now to get back in shape.
I should probably go to bed because it's late. However I am no longer tired. This time used to be my most creative period. After midnight, before 2. I wrote so many songs and did so much creative artsy things when I was younger. Where did that go? I want it to come back so badly. I miss it. But there are no lyrics there. No chords in my head. No designs poking through.
The only design floating around in my head for the past 2 years has been a blueprint for my dream house.

I love school supply shopping time. Everything is on great sales.

Boring

Not doing very much lately. I feel like such a bum. I was supposed to spend this summer hanging out with my friends... all the time... what happened to that? Oh yeah, everybody else goes on vacations {{while I'm stuck here}} or they have to work or something. I should have gotten a job, maybe, then I could buy my own stuff. But I would hate it. There's nothing interesting going here for kids like me. But then I would've been able to escape my house. I hate arguing with my parents but it happens when I hang with them too much. And summers = way too much. One of the only reasons I'm looking forward to college. Huz-zah.
Went to the fair last night with A-Mac, was pretty fun. We went with his parents, they're cool. Saw a couple people we knew, not too many though. We made the mistake of walking through the midway and all the vendors assumed we were {together} just because we were walking around together... uh, no. I really despise society. Can't guys and gals just be friends? I think of this and remember the movie "When Harry Met Sally" and promptly forget about my question...
Physical therapy is going well. I think this coming week will be my last. Hopefully...
Need to get out and use my camera. Might take Raph out later and do his senior pictures.
Mi vida esta aburrida. :( I want to get my mojo back and scrap and write some music. I really miss writing music. I haven't done it in so long. There just aren't any notes there though. No notes, no lyrics. Probablemente mucha de mi musica ahora estara en espanol. Pero no puedo hacer los accentos... :(